Yes, to the first four questions. In my case, which is rare, there were many times it was more of a risk to my life to leave than to stay. Yes, there was that good person I believed he was at heart. I thought his drug abuse “explained” his violence & bad temper. I had to have time to realize that great person was an “act” he put on because he knew that’s who he had to be to get what he wanted out of people. The drug habit was an “excuse” for what he already knew was wrong when he was doing it. In other words…he was a bad person who knew how to act nice. It’s also an abuser’s predictable behavior to remind the victim of all the good times & make promises of change, etc.
It’s really not all that complicated. Sitting with women like me in domestic violence shelters, with no jobs, no home, being looked at like a leech on society or continuously asked how stupid we had to be to be in the relationship to begin with—it’s pretty easy to fall for the hope your loved one might just change this time. You are a human. Would you rather look to a future of living off welfare, living in shelters, being looked down on or with the hope (albeit false in most cases) that the person you love with all your heart loves you enough to stop hurting you?? The criminal justice system does more to protect the abusers’ rights than it does to help the victims. In my case—I’ve waited a year for my divorce to become final. We have a five year restraining order because of his threats to kill me and attacks on me. However, he now has the “right” to contest our divorce and demand counseling. That’s just one example of how messed up the system is.
As for your final question…breaking away is a long, long process. Leaving is just the first step. Facing the financial struggles, the loneliness, and often the court battles comes after that step. As for how long it took me to realize it was the right thing…I knew it far before I left. I just had to wait for my chance to do it wisely and then slam the door for good.
For most abused women, the hope has to be gone that their abuser will change and more importantly…the desire to be with that person at all has to be completely gone. Otherwise, it’s too easy to fall for the promises of change which rarely, rarely come.

The hope that they will ‘get better’ and go back to ‘normal’
I put up with it because he could be a good person and at times he could, but other times I felt worthless. I do blame myself partly for everything that happened because it takes two to tango, maybe I wound him up.
He had an accident a few years ago too which very often alters people’s behaviour so I can forgive him for that. He gave me another life.
I loved him and still do, broken away but would go back given the chance. I don’t know what it is, maybe I’m slightly captivated but he’s got this charm about him.

The reason why women stay is fear of being a failure in front of every one. Fear of being alone even if it is better than being abused. You get accustomed to the behavior and think that you deserve it, or that you may have did something to deserve it. I’m hear to tell you that I have been in that situation, for 18 years and just got out and once you are out you are at peace, you get your dignity back, your self esteem, you get YOU back. Trust me when I say, the initial leaving is hard, but once you are gone and done you will be the happiest person on earth. Don’t be afraid to get a restraining order, he doesn’t have to physical hit you for the judge to issue one. So, I would recommend leaving and getting a restraining order ASAP. Don’t waste your life on that garbage, he’ll never every change and you’ll be old wondering where your life went.

This makes me hurt, angry, and very upset.
Unless you hit him first, its not your fault.
Even if you struck the first physical blow it is no excuse for a man to strike a woman, it is just BARELY understandable.
There really isn’t any excuse for any man to strike any woman that isn’t threatening the lives of himself or another human.
Please please leave this guy or make him get help. Don’t let him do this to you. This goes for all of you.
I feel very strongly about this. Men should not hit women.

I love him.
I hold onto the good times we have shared together.
I hold onto the few times he has complimented me, made me feel good.
I don’t blame myself although I have made mistakes that fuel his anger.
I know that I am not perfect and when I make a mistake he feels his anger and abuse are justified.
I’ve never ever allowed anyone to abuse me before him…
There is SOMETHING about him that makes me stay, that makes me fight when he wants out…
The strength of my love is too deep for me to give up.
I don’t regret marrying him.
I am fighting to keep him right now…
I said something very wrong & he can’t forgive me.

I knew a girl years ago who had an abusive boyfriend. He alienated her from her friends and family (we were neighbors and I helped her with her kids sometimes). Wouldn’t let her work, claiming she needed to maintain the house and couldn’t do both at the same time. He ruined her self-esteem, when someone is constantly telling you that you’re too stupid to do anything right, your subconscious starts to believe it. She stayed because she had no money to leave. She ruined her relationship with her family listening to him and he moved them miles away. She finally got away after he got arrested for beating her and breaking her arm.

Im not a woman (and my girlfriend certainly does not abuse me lol), but i suppose some would stay because their partner has money which they need to survive.
Or they simply have no where else to do, or you have a child in common, and im sure there are a few women out there that actually enjoy it i suppose, people have all sorts of weird fetishes these days.

I stayed for my girls, and because I wasn’t strong enough to make it as a single mom…so I believed. He was verbally demeaning…all the time. I figured things would get better, or he was going through a stage or something. After 12 years of the “phase” it was time to call it quits. By then my girls were older and I didn’t have to worry about them having to go for visitation with him as age 3 & 5. I don’t blame myself for his behavior…he had issues all on his own. I was scared of him only once..till I stood up to him, then he knew when to back off. I’m sure down deep he’s a good person. I still see him every now and then. The only difference now is…I don’t have to listen to him if I choose not to! Hope this helps….

i think these women THINK they love their partner that does this to them but are too scared of leaving because most of the men do threaten to kill the wife or girlfreind
if u are in this situation please leave otherwise your child will grow up thinking that this is normal and your son will do it to his partner and your daughter will think is ok for her husband to do this to her

I went with the guy before i married him and he didn’t treat me the same way until i was pregnant and then it got bad and i thought i could change him and i loved him and i wanted my son to have his father and i stuck with it for about 10 years all together. But i’d say leave the lst time it happens cause it never changes and you get blamed for everything but its not your fault and a person needs to realize this.

He was hurt and that was his only way he knew of to lash out. I was honest with him and we worked it out. He knew it was a big no no after (he was abused so he thought it was okay) and if he ever gets that way with me again he knows I will leave him. Be honest and if he isn’t willing to stop and get help, leave him

Many years ago, I was abused. I left and came back 5 times. Finally he talked about a gun and that is when I left Forever. There are no excuses for that behavior. It is not love, it is not your fault, being scared means you are in danger and need to leave ASAP. I left and never went back. Best move I ever made.

my mom was in an abusive marriage..hers..was..fear..and isolation… i think she kept hoping that if she was a better wife… did things differently… all would be ok..
the abuser literally will isolate you from friends and family…i cant even remember how many times we moved…you begin to feel like there is nothing out there…this was in the 70s..when there wasn’t the help there is now….she would take us and run…he would find us.. his family stuck up for him….even us kids were isolated…
sadly…the way it ended..was he finally went berserk..he grabbed me and my sister…and well..since i don’t want this deleted… lets just say….some threats were made…and my mom did what she had to do to protect us…
its a fear…and false hope…at least now..there are places women can get help

i have a boyfriend that hits me calls me names and then turns around and asks me why i make him hit me just behave and listen and i wont hit you i stay because im scared he will stalk me or worse kill me .

love, they never change. i left an abusive husband 16 months ago, never look back.
so for me, no, nothing would have made me stay with him

and many many other reasons too!
K

yes but i left, it is hard to go but please try

I love him..he a good person that bad **** happen to..he is getting help..that is important for him as well as for everyone he comes into contact with

Abusers often isolate their partners from their family and friends, so that they have nowhere to go. They control all the money, even if the partner is the one who earned it [my ex- didn't work]. They destroy their partners self esteem so that they have no confidence in themselves and feel dependent on the abuser. And when the abuser has a bad day, instead of taking out his frustration on another man who might beat him to a pulp, he comes home and beats on his partner. Or he makes a practice of beating his partner, just to keep her scared, and he tells her that if she tries to leave he will do worse. He calls that “keeping his woman in line.”
When a woman has no where to go, no money, and is scared to death of what the abuser will do to her if he catches her, she often stays. She even often chooses to return to an abuser from a safe place because she thinks it will go easier on her than if he finds her and drags her back, or she is too frightened to stand up to him and tell him she isn’t going back to him.
I was married to such a man. He nearly strangled me once, and broke many bones. My doctor called in some favors and helped me get a divorce. He stalked me until I saved up some money and moved to another state. I got counseling and then I went back home. I went to the sheriff and told him who I was, and that my ex- had threatened to blow up my parents home if they didn’t tell him where I was staying. That sheriff had his “boys” go out and find him and they “had a talk” with him, and that was the end of that.
I married again, many years later to a wonder man who treated me like a queen. He has passed away now, and I am alone again. But I will never allow myself to be in the kind of situation I was in with my first husband.
In answer to your other questions, no, I don’t love my ex-; no, I believe deep down he is evil; I do not blame myself for his behavior; yes, I WAS scared of him, but not now.